A Speccy Man has a Breakdown - day 2

Read online (with audio).

<< Day 1

Nobody has raised this, but it might possibly cross your mind that calling myself “A Speccy Man” is a little unkind.

Speccy, really?

Well, it’s not meant to be unkind. And the name arose quite separately from all this stuff about my breakdown. The person who came up with the name was Michael, and I’m eternally grateful to him.

I was showing him some other pictures, entirely unrelated and obviously meant to be funny. He said something about the person who appeared in so many of them, and as shorthand he used the term speccy.

This made me laugh, and (more important) it allowed me to see the figures I had drawn in an entirely new light.

They were no longer “me” but a slightly separate person – a character to be watched and variously cheered on or sympathised with as he goes through his triumphs and disasters.

The Speccy Man does sometimes enjoy great triumphs. For instance, competing in the Olympics:

Or finishing a Fiendish Sudoku puzzle:

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He’s not always having such a good time.

He first appeared, quite naturally, in drawings I made in psychiatric hospital. I was trying to make sense of what was happening to me, and drawing myself seemed the best way to do it.

Some of those drawings are very dark, and not funny at all. It’s a lot easier to show you the ones above.

As it happens, I didn’t wear glasses until just before that time. I mean, I had reading glasses but rarely used them. Then less than a month before going into hospital I got a pair of varifocals.

Trying new frames at the optician. Two weeks later, I went to see my doctor.

Some people might divide their life into “before my breakdown and after my breakdown”. Others might divide it into “before I wore glasses and after I started wearing glasses”.

For me, those are basically the same.

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Postscript: After sending this out as an email, I received a few replies about the name Speccy.

I actually had to look up “speccy” as I’d not heard it before. The first thing that showed up was that it was considered derogatory. I wondered, and I understand now. – Sheryl

‘A Speccy Man’ did strike me as reductive and unkind. It also bore no relation to the [man] I met. He was engaging, charismatic, insightful, and mind-blowingly motivational […] By revealing the devices you’ve utilised to cope and peeling back the layers of who you are, you are being exceptionally brave. – Deborah

I am glad to hear that the words “Speccy Man” haven’t offended anyone. I posted this on Linkedin. I hope that’s OK. – Michael

Thank you all.

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👉 If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis line in your country. In the UK, Samaritans are available any time on 116 123.

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