A Speccy Man Has A Breakdown - day 9

Listen to me reading this

<< Day 7

(I skipped day 8.) A conversation I’ll never forget was with a young man called Kevin Hines. I interviewed him for The Sunday Times magazine.

Kevin jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. It’s a four-second drop, so the force of impact is – well, you can imagine. Also: the water is freezing cold. And there are sharks.

For these reasons, most people don’t survive the jump. But this man, Kevin, “only” broke several vertebrae on impact. And he was lucky enough to be seen falling, so he could be dredged out before he froze and before the Great Whites got him.

When I interviewed Kevin, he said he regretted jumping “the moment my hand left the rail”.

It’s worth reading that again.

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You remember the woman who asked me to talk at her law firm? I went to see Jo, and her colleague Gabby, and showed them some of my drawings, including this one:

That was one of the first I drew, as soon as I’d been admitted. I went in thinking I’d be there for a week, but forgot to pack a toothbrush. I didn’t forget to pack a pen and a sketchbook.

Nurses took away anything I might use to harm myself.

I was churning with emotion: shame, at finding myself there; guilt, for the effect on my family; and self-pity, that my life seemed to have fallen apart.

As I went through the pictures, I told Jo and Gabby something like that – gave a kind of running commentary.

These were drawings I’d made in real-time, to document as it was happening an experience I simply didn’t understand. But the drawings didn’t show the wider context, or explain why I found myself in hospital.

Naturally, Jo and Gabby were curious. Perhaps you are too.

I tried to answer, and mentioned several things that might have been triggers – including multiple bereavement, losing regular work and a severe decline in my income. These were all, I’m sure, contributing factors. But why did they affect me this way, when others who experienced the same losses carried on? And why did other painful experiences, from long ago, come rushing back into my head at all times?

I just don’t know.

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👉 If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis line in your country. In the UK, Samaritans are available any time on 116 123.

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