A Speccy Man has a Breakdown - day 4

Read online (with audio).

<< Day 3

When I came out of hospital, I dreaded losing the support of group therapy. How could I cope? A psychotherapist friend suggested I enrol with a local community-based organisation, Talk for Health.

I signed up, and soon afterwards I joined 30 other nervous beginners, crowded into rented space in the crypt of Hampstead parish church.

After some preamble, the leaders kicked off that first session by inviting us to introduce ourselves to the rest of the group. I was the first to volunteer.

I said that I had recently left hospital, was under care of a psychiatrist, thought I was worthless, that everyone would be better off without me, and that I was constantly afflicted by what I now knew to call “suicidal ideation”.

I’d done a lot of public speaking in my previous life, but this was a new theme. I could see I had the attention of the room.

I said I wasn’t going to do anything stupid – at least, I didn’t think I was, but I was losing confidence in the working of my own brain, so I really didn’t know.

Later, in a tea break, another participant – a woman of about the same age as me – came over to say something about me being brave and having something important to say. She hadn’t heard other men of our age being so open and hoped I might be able, at some point, to share it more widely.

I thought that was very nice of her – she meant well – but I didn’t believe anyone could possibly want to hear me.

A year or so later she invited me to deliver a talk at the place where she worked. I brought my drawings.

Constantly afflicted.

***

Before I go further into the talks, I want to say something about why I’m publishing this at all – and why I’m doing it myself.

I promised myself in hospital that I would keep talking about this, in hope it might help someone, somewhere. I was shocked by how many people came in who had tried to end their lives the day before. Afterwards, people who came to my talks told me often that something I’d said had reminded them of their own situation, or the situation of someone close to them.

But I also hate talking about all this, because it takes me back to a time I was just really unhappy. The book offers a way to keep transmitting something valuable without going back there so directly. And I mean: I made all those pictures. Why leave them unseen in a sketchbook?

As for self-publishing: I’m a journalist by background. For much of my career, someone would call on a Tuesday or Wednesday, ask for something by Friday, and it would be in print at the weekend. Publishing books is much slower, and I can’t bear the idea of hanging around with this topic for a year or more – wondering if anyone likes it, thinks it’s “any good”.

I like to make my books real before anyone else decides if they’re allowed to be.

I once interviewed Billy Childish, who was accused of being too prolific and responded by releasing four albums on the same day. I love that about Billy, and feel the same way. If I can’t be prolific I just sit around feeling sorry for myself.

Twenty-one days left. Thank you for being here.

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👉 If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis line in your country. In the UK, Samaritans are available any time on 116 123.

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